With The critically acclaimed film The Martian being nominated for seven Academy Awards, it great time to remind ourselves why life on mars would suck. Looking back on 60 years of film history, movies have timer and time again warned us of the risks and dangers that await us on the red planet. Eating poo potatoes is only slightly worse than having your eyes popped out of your head. Seriously, life on mars would suck! (Warning, this article will contain spoilers for the movies listed.)

Mission to Mars (2000) – Alien Vortex

Brian De Palma’s millennial Mars movie, Mission to Mars saw Tim Robbins, Gary Sinise, and Connie Nielsen set out to rescue fellow Mars explorer Don Cheadle. The films see’s a group of astronauts on a recon mission to mars, to explore the possibilities of colonization. Thier mission is cut short when the crew hear a strange sound on their communications system. As they soon discover, the sound is a huge vortex, which turns out to be some sort of alien boobie trap. The Vortex kills almost the entire crew, leaving Cheadle awaiting rescue.

Total Recall (1990) – Atmosphere

By far one of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s better films, Total Recall, stars the action hero as Doug Quaid. Quaid is struggling to keep to grips with reality after a memory-implant procedures makes him think he’s rebel fighter from mars. Heading to the big red, he finds that the Mars colonies protect themselves from the Martian atmosphere in huge domes. But stepping outside of those without a suit can be a real eye opener. As we see several times, humans eyes are literally popped out of their heads in a hideous death throw.

Red Planet (2000) – Killer Insects

Yet another millennium rushed mars film, the forgettable Red Planet featured Val Kilmer and Matrix star Carrie Anne-Moss. The destruction of our world sets humanity’s eyes on Mars, as astronauts attempt to terraforming Mars for colonization. Like any good space film, things go terribly wrong, as the planet is swarming with insect-like native Martian life. These blood drinking creatures would like nothing better than to crawl up inside you and eat you from the inside out.

Doom (2005) – Alien DNA

Based on the mega hit video game Doom takes us on a trip into the future. In the year 2046, a research facility on Mars is suddenly attacked and a search and rescue crew is sent in to save the day. Karl Urban and Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson star as marines who discover that the research facility, on mars, has been gene splicing with alien DNA. The Alien DNA contains a 24th chromosome which is predicted to give people superhuman strength. The experiments did not go according to plan, as they tested on convicted criminals, which transformed them into monsters. The DNA reacts on the human psyche , transforming you dependant on if you are inherently “good” or “evil”; good people become superhuman, bad people become monsters. The moral of this film? Don’t inject alien DNA into criminals!

John Carpenter’s Ghosts of Mars (2001) – Ghosts

John Carpenter’s Ghosts of Mars is not the best film the director has ever made, but it certainly has an interesting cast. Starring Ice Cube, Pam Grier, Natasha Henstridge, and Jason Statham. The film sees a team of police officers transporting a criminal, but discover an abandoned town. As they soon discover, miners uncovered a door way, from an ancient Martian civilization. Opening the door unleashed “ghosts”, which took possession of the miners. These self-mutilation creatures want nothing more than death and destruction.

War of the Worlds (1953) – Aliens

I’m sure that Steven Spielberg’s 2005 remake has its fans, but its Byron Haskin his 1950’s version that’s unquestionably more iconic. The films sees pods land on earth, with martian machines inside, intent on taking over the earth. The Martians invasion involves frying everyone with their heat rays, a clear sign that any visitors to mars might not get a roses reception. The martians plans fail horribly, but the message is clear, Stay away from Mars!

The Martian (2015) – Everything

If the Martian teaches us anything, its that Mars sucks! From the lack of oxygen, endless leagues of martian soil too the dangerous storms that threaten your life every time they blow over. Even when Astronaut Mark Watney manages to grow potatoes in martian soil, it’s slightly overshadowed by the fact that it’s grown in his own crap! Trying to live on mars would just be one huge nightmare after the other. Mars really Sucks!

Did we miss something, maybe you think some other mars based film should be on the list. Leave us a comment in the box at the bottom of the page, even if it’s only to tell us what you loved about the films on the list.

Source IMDB/Wikipedia