After watching the recent James Bond Flick Spectre, it got me thinking about all those times Super Spy 007 got away because the bad guy was too busy telling everyone about his master plan, or leaving his soldiers to finish the job, when what he should be doing is shooting his captive dead. A couple of bullets to Bond’s head and he would no longer be a problem, giving our villain plenty of time to take over the world, or steal all the worlds oil, or something super evil like hiding all the TV remotes half hour before Game of Thrones is due to come on.

It’s these annoying Villain traits that end up being the downfall of the evil plans and here they are, our top 5 Things Bond Villains Do That Drive US Nuts.

5 Hire Incompetent Henchmen

So you’ve just built a formidable fortress on a deserted island and you’re looking to build an army of underlings to do your evil deeds. Instead of hiring trained soldiers with impeccable sense and gun skills, you put an add in a shop window and wait for the eager volunteers to pour in. I can only imagine that this is how the bad guys do it, because when your watching well equipped guards falling to hit anything with their automatic rifles, your wondering who’s hiring these guys? Surely there must be some form of a HR department in these evil organisations? If not, who is dealing with all the hiring, pay checks and holidays?  When your lethal forces are no more deadly than a six year old with a potato gun, it’s time to rethink your hiring process, and look at ways of getting people with the skill you need.

4 Build Penetrable Fortresses.

Oner thing that always seems to be way to easy, is gaining access to the secret lair of a super villain. Carving your base in the side of Volcano might be cool and foreboding, but the security is as effective as a lock made out of marzipan. Our heros will easily find a way inside the multi-million dollar security perimeter, if it’s through a secret underwater back door, or through huge ventilation. Seriously, who building the duct and sewage systems so god damned big? Unless they have king kong taking dumps in there, there’s no need for them to so huge. just make them super small so no one can fit inside?
How about security? A single keycard that has access to every door, which ever guard has, should do the trick. And don’t worry about security checks on staff, if they are wearing uniforms, they are probably one of ours…probably. Meanwhilst, Bond is scaling cliffs and deactivating security systems, whilst they guards obliviously go about their patrols.

3. Putting All the Eggs in One Basket

If there is one thing bad guys like, its a macguffin, a singular thing needed to complete the diabolical plan.  And this thing will be left with little to no security, giving our hero plenty of time to get hold of said thing and disrupt the entire operation. At no point does it ever occur to anyone to makes copies of important tapes or drives, or to securely lock away keys, information or people. No, that would be too easy. Our bad guys put all their eggs in this one basket and hope that nobody steals this valuable item. Don’t worry about that spy we just caught and threw in prison. There is no way he’s getting out.

2 Leave Bond to Die.

Having captured Bond, our Villain can’t simply kill him there and then, no that would be too easy. Even though it’s clear that is what they wants, they instead come up with an over elaborate and escapable methods of disposing of 007, but not before exiting the room, leaving incompetent henchmen in charge or the execution. Ok so , maybe the Bad Guy has a fear of blood, or has something super important to do, but even that does not explain why Bond is never searched correctly. Those fancy flashing shoes and beeping watch can stay, but we will remove your shirt for good measure.

1 Monologue

This one is just crazy, and usually runs in conjunction with number 2 on our list . Villains have a real egocentric problem, they just can’t keep their plans to themselves. With such a cunning plan set in motion, it’s hard not to share it with friends family and your mortal enemy. With Bond imprisoned, tied up and tortured, the Villain picks this perfect time for an old fashioned monologue, revealing their evil plan in full. Making it extra lengthy so that our hero can concocted a plan for escape. And of course, he does, with plenty of time to stop the now revealed plan. Congratulations Mr Bad Guy, you really suck at your Job!

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